Hello. This is me. We have met before, when you were my dear diary or my friend, but this time, we are starting over, so let's just be honest with the simple things: you are my dear reader. I hope you will find within my textes something useful for yourself and that my experiences will bring something to mind for you too. It has worked so many times like that for me, so I suppose I owe you that. I'm sharing my thoughts with you to get them out of my mind and to hopefully show someone else that we are together in all this. I love you. ( ok, that was too much.)
It's March and it's such a lovely night tonight. It's warm enough for me to be sitting outside, in a balcony somewhere in the Mediterranean, writing my thought on my laptop. It's earth hour, so I have lit up some candles and I'm listening to my favourites on youtube - (Groove Armada - Think Twice). Today, I managed to do nothing. I have a few to do tasks, but my motivation is at its lowest levels. It has been there for quite some time. Because of some minor flunctuations, I can still cope with some basic stuff, but I'm not really doing much.
I was feeling miserable again, complaining to myself about my being single, not being as pretty as I'ld like to, not having a real job - let alone a career, that I'm never fixing the broken things in my house, never finishing the books I start, never sticking to my goals and so on. I've slowly taught myself to handle these thoughts when they come up, by stopping myself violently. I remind myself all these things I've learned:
- If there is something you don't like, just change it.
- If you feel you are not motivated enough, just move your @#$ and selfmotivate yourself - your motive is that you want something done.
- If you don't do it, it's just never going to be done by itself. Accept this.
Sometimes, it works, sometimes it doesn't. That's all. tonight I'm feeling sad and lonely. I don't want to try doing anything. I don't want to meet anyone. I don't want to push myself to go out, to fit in, to be bubbly and pleasant and nice and social and cheerful and compassionate and helpful and whatever else. I just want to lay here, repeatedly listening to a song or two, feel good that ... that things are ok. Not great, but it's not the end of the world either. I'll just allow myself to be lazy and unmotivated for one more night. and if tomorrow I feel guilts for letting myself loose... we'll see. I'll see. I'll either learn to live with my flaws and weaknesses and deal the consequences or maybe - if i can - i'll try harder to make up for the lost time and chances.
At times like this I'm wondering what it means that time does not exist. Well, if it meant what would be convenient for me right now, it would be fitting perfectly. Ok... I know it doesn't. Whatever. I just wanted to say something smart.
And that's where I'll close our first session, dear reader. I hope one day, I'll hear from you too. I love you. At least i want to.